I decided to work on my dissertation proposal, finally. I feel strange writing that first statement, because in some ways, I feel like I "deserve" time off. But in the exact same breath, I know I have also been beating myself up over the fact that I "wasted" my summer and "what do I have to show for it"... other than being rested, happy, and restored...
I think that's the funny thing about academia, that has been a hard transition since being a working professional. You can always do more, so resting becomes guilt, restoration becomes a luxury; and days off are undeserved. My summer was and still is wonderful. And yet, I keep having this nagging feeling— like a splinter you haven't addressed so it almost seems forgotten until the occasional snag, about what I could, should, and need to be doing to push my career forward. And the scary part is, those things don't seem to have room for the summer that I just had and am arguably, still trying to have.
And yet at the same time, I also have to come clean that I have used this summer and used "resting" as the justification to hide behind my fear and anxiety of working on my dissertation proposal. Much like how I justify my procrastination as "self-care," I also know that deep down, I have been putting off work, not just because I needed a break (which I did and I have been enjoying), but also because I'm scared to go back into this space I'm still carving out of what my research is and who I want to be as a scholar. So today, I decided to work on my dissertation proposal, finally.
Having spent 2019 intentionally reading Womxn of Color, I'm carrying the same intention into 2020. Check out my bookshelf of some of my faves and send me recs!
When I'm trying to concentrate, I like having background music that's super dramatic. For some reason, instrumental music is instrumental (pun!) in helping me concentrate. Most of the songs are Korean-drama OSTs (original sound tracks), w/ a few classical music scores in the mix!
I don't categorize anything other than my "random round-ups" because it takes too much work (insert laughing emoji).