Starting Up... Again?

I decided to work on my dissertation proposal, finally. I feel strange writing that first statement, because in some ways, I feel like I "deserve" time off. But in the exact same breath, I know I have also been beating myself up over the fact that I "wasted" my summer and "what do I have to show for it"... other than being rested, happy, and restored... 

I think that's the funny thing about academia, that has been a hard transition since being a working professional. You can always do more, so resting becomes guilt, restoration becomes a luxury; and days off are undeserved. My summer was and still is wonderful. And yet, I keep having this nagging feeling— like a splinter you haven't addressed so it almost seems forgotten until the occasional snag, about what I could, should, and need to be doing to push my career forward. And the scary part is, those things don't seem to have room for the summer that I just had and am arguably, still trying to have. 

And yet at the same time, I also have to come clean that I have used this summer and used "resting" as the justification to hide behind my fear and anxiety of working on my dissertation proposal. Much like how I justify my procrastination as "self-care," I also know that deep down, I have been putting off work, not just because I needed a break (which I did and I have been enjoying), but also because I'm scared to go back into this space I'm still carving out of what my research is and who I want to be as a scholar. So today, I decided to work on my dissertation proposal, finally.